I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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