you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
