Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
