We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
