The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
