I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
