guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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