Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
