I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Your mouth is God's brothel.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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