Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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