Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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