Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
