I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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