I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
