my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
