____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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