I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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