I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
