im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
