I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
