Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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