We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
