ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
