M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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