weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
