a queef is a wish your heart makes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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