If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
