Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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