I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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