Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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