I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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