Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
4 words: hood of his car
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
