What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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