you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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