I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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