When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
So many bounce houses so little time
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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