Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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