this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
