She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
