All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
