I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
