how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
