So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
