i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
