Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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