I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
