But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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