this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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