I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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