my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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