My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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