I want to have your abortion
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
