o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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