So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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