No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
